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09:06am 02/08/2008
  Hello. What can I say. There are so many changes happening in my life. We went from going to food pantries to survive, to having money to pay our bills, having some to save and some to enjoy. During our time of somewhat destitution our church helped with mortgage paymants and what not. Not to be critical, but I called the church secretary and asked for help, this was several months ago, and she put me on hold for a moment, came back on and said they couldnt help. Then I said oh because we are members of the church. She put me on hold again this time for a little longer. Came back on and said that they could help.

I have put aside my resentments. I have not been to church in over a year, not for Christmas, not for Easter or for any other reason. But Im turning over a new leaf on life. I have been extremely hateful of the Youth Pastor for a for a very long time. But i am willing to bury the hatchet.

I plan to be at church on Sunday morning. Ill see how it goes. Im not going to win a popularity contest. There's a new Pastor now and he starts this Sunday. Im not overly excited about going to church, but truthfully it cant hurt.
 
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10:35am 01/06/2007
 


this is the most romantic photo of any two lovers i have ever seen. J&E from BBM
 
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11:53pm 31/05/2007
  Life is good.  
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good news   
09:26am 25/05/2007
 
mood: happy
My daughter is finally getting her life straight and im so happy for her. She has a good job. She works at a law office! Oh yeah most important, she quit using the hard drugs! She has a really nice gf. Her gf's dad is the attorney she works for. She goes to work everyday, she's clean her clothes are clean..and they tell her what a great job she's doing. Just this week she moved into her own new place. A really nice new duplex. It's beautiful. I am so proud of her. She is doing so good and im happy for her.
 
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coming back   
12:29am 10/05/2007
 
mood: contemplative
People should always try to do the best they can in life... So many of them have it so bad.

We all have problems. I know I do, but when it comes to the ones I love there's nothing I would ever do to hurt them or take advantage of them.

Life has been good to me. I dont bounce back as fast as I used to. It takes me a while to overcome the heartache I feel when someone close to me does or says something that hurts.

A very intelligent, strong, beautiful woman in my life had always told me to forgive and forget. She was my mother. See some people forgive, but they dont forget..Its not easy to forget when we've been hurt. BUT really why carry it around letting it Stir up in our stomachs.

There is no room in my life today for resentment and anger.
I may not bounce back quick as I used to when im hurt, but I let shit go and just keep movin on.

People are amazing and they're gonna do and say and believe what they want. Whether what they believe is true or not is none of my business because i am powerless over what other people do or say. I know in my heart my intentions are good.

I love my family (pets included), no matter how fucked up they can be. I love my life, and although it hasn't always been easy life is good. And finally, I love my friends both online and r/l.


 
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07:55pm 07/05/2007
  im emotionally raw..  
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02:59am 15/03/2007
   
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Brokeback   
08:05pm 19/09/2006
 
mood: determined
For all those who know me also no that I am completely and utterly obsessed with Brokeback Mountain...yes thats right im a Brokie =) Yep, Im a Gyllenhaalic as well. In case you havent looked at my pics look and see, (most of them are of jake or jack).
Im in the process of talking about Alberta next summer with my good friends from the board.
 
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happy birthday to me   
07:21pm 12/06/2006
 
mood: awake
Well its my birthday...im starting to get used to not getting presents anymore..like on mothers day there were no flowers or cards..like i said im getting used to it.
 
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12:38am 29/05/2006
  its been really hard for me. I love my daughter so much but she doesnt love me. she's in the same situation i was in. I hated my mom's husband so i thought i hated my mom. thats how ashley feels. Maybe someday down the road we will make up and all will be well. I loved having her home again. Its ashame she was so disrespectful at times that hurt me, but i get over it easy enough.. Bob's another story. He said get out, so now her and Lindsey are gone.
anyway i really want to help her with the fibroid adenoma while she's still on our insurance,,i have surgery scheduled and everything..maybe she wants to die. idk
Ashley if you read this im not canceling your appt. Please except our help and have the surgery. love, mom
 
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grief   
07:15pm 02/10/2005
 
mood: depressed
I break down and cry sometimes because i hurt so much inside. I've lost my mom and it hurts. i lost my dad and it hurts. Sometimes i cant control my tears; they just start coming out of my eyes and drip down my cheeks. Last night i was in a meeting at the camp out and the speaker started talking about some things that really hit home with me and i started to cry. Then i thought how cool it would be if the young woman i saw at the meeting earlier that reminded me of my daughter really was my daughter. The tears were uncontrollable by then so i got up and walked away. my friends embraced me until my pain had passed. I have prayed a lot today.
 
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11:16am 19/09/2005
 
mood: hopeful
My little girl moved out. I know she will be okay but im concerned anyway. I'm gonna start going to Naranon this week. Its for friends and family members of addicts. It will help me cope and deal with my feelings. It has been really hard for me to see her using again.. OMG she's so talented! I cant believe what a good musician she is and she has always been a writer. It runs in my family though so it doesnt shock me but i hope she does wonderful things with her talent. She's destined for success.
 
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12:24am 12/09/2005
 
mood: content
HI. I had a really good day! It was awesome my friends were here there was lots of food and plenty of conversation. NO ONE was getting high and we all had a lot of fun just enjoying eachothers company. I had a tough descison to make but it was the right one. I feel like I have a new start and Im gonna do my best not to fuck it up. Hope everybody out there is doing good. later
 
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11:38am 03/09/2005
 
mood: distressed
havent written in a while because ive been feeling left out.. but things are going ok now. ive been really anxious lately and having major panic attacks. there a lot going on and its my nature to worry so im worried. i just get really nervous about my situation. guess it feels good to write a little
 
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early a.m.   
06:42am 20/08/2005
 
mood: aggravated
Still figuring out LJ.
It sucks that ever since Jackie got married it like she doesnt have time for me. And I think her new husband lacks manners. He doesnt even say hello or goodbye to me. I just think thats rude! I dont think he's anything special. But if she's happy then Im happy for her.
 
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01:20am 16/08/2005
 
mood: calm
This is my first time logging into my journal. Not sure what i want to say. Guess I'll start with my day. It was okay but not great. My daughter was high and told me something she had done that was disturbing. First off I dont like it when she's high (what mom would). Second I will do anything to help her find her way in life but i have to take care of myself. I didnt scream and yell when she told me I just stayed calm in outward appearance. The fact is it sucks seeing her fucked up and it sucks hearing her tell me she does fucked up things. I am thankful she feels she can be honest with me. I really cant help her if she's not. She's a good girl..smart pretty witty talented I dont want to see it go to waste. We discussed future plans for her and I had her write them down so she will remember them tomorrow when she comes down.
 
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